Admitting the past, looking forward to the future

I have tossed around the idea of writing this post at least a dozen times or more.  I have actually typed it out numerous times in various ways but never followed through with actually posting it.  Fear is a huge factor as well as being judged. 

For me personally moving forward is hard to do.  I have always held on to the past and not wanted to let go.  It is a part of me that I feel I cannot leave behind.  It has taken years to finally realize if I talk about it, make peace with it, I can move on and not have to live in the past.

That being said.......this past weekend I went to a concert with my cousin and her fiancé at my church.  This was a life changing night for me.  It made me realize my past was my past,  my present and future is what life is about.  In the moment when I surrendered my heart fully to God and just let it all go, I felt and overwhelming sense of peace and comfort fill my heart.  I listened as the lead singer shared some major struggles that he went through not only as a teenager, but also in the past year.  His strength hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized, I have that strength I was just afraid to show my strength because of what others might think.

So here is me using my strength, letting go of the past, and pursuing my future.  After my sweet son Aiden was born in January of 2009 I struggled to be a mom of two and just keep up with everyday life.  Post-partum depression took over me.  I spent over 6 weeks in the hospital trying to find the right medications to help me cope with everything.  Once home from the hospital my parents were a huge support system for me and my kiddos.  We eventually moved in with them due to finances and me not being able to work.  But as the summer went on I ended up needing to have surgery in July.  Now mix the anesthesia, and all the medications I was on for my depression, I went to a whole new low in my life. 

I made a very bad decision one day when I was home alone and I took an overdose of medications trying to end my life.  With the pictures of my kids flashing around I realized what I had done and called 911.  Thankfully I go the treatment I needed very quickly and was able to make a full recovery from what I had done.  It still took me about 4 years of therapy, and 3 years of medications to get me through some very dark times.  I have held onto what I had done for so long.  I look at Kaylee and Aiden and I would think if I were not here, how would they be doing?  Would they even remember me?  And I get into these "feel sorry for myself moments" and just want to stay in them.  Not anymore. I may never forget what I did, but I can forgive myself and move forward.

I lifted my hands up to God this weekend as a sanctuary full of my Abundant Life family worshiped, and instead of asking for my life to change, and for things I wanted, I surrendered my heart, asking for patience and guidance.  As peace filled my heart, I felt like I was a new person, my life had been changed in that very moment.  At the end of the concert, my cousin and I talked, I realized I have done a complete 180 this past year, and why let the past still dictate how I am going to succeed in life. 

Here is to using my strength, to succeeding in every aspect of my life, and being the best mother I can be to the two most precious children in the world.  God created a beautiful canvas painted all around us, I am not going to let the past paint a cloudy picture over the beautiful canvas I have in front of me.

Philippians 4:13 (Amplified Bible)
"I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

Hiding behind the stress....

I am a stress eater.  Food is what I have always turned too for comfort during difficult times.  When I started program back in June of 2013, I thought I had kicked the stress eating habit to the curb.  These past few weeks my stress level has been rather high.  As I got ready for work the other day, I wanted to wear my comfy size 12 pants.  But putting them on, they did not feel so comfy.  Needless to say my heart sank.  I was hiding behind the stress with food, JUNK FOOD.  Stress and junk food are a powerful thing.  Funny thing is as much as I was upset with the unhealthy choices I was making, I continued to make them.  My mom kept encouraging me to talk to my health coach and dear friend Heather, but I avoided it.  I felt like a failure.  Not just to the program that has worked so well for me, but my health coach,  my family, friends, and everyone who has supported me on this journey.   Admitting that I was struggling was just not something I wanted to face.  

This past week I basically started day 1 again.  And I did great this entire week.  Until the stress hit in yesterday.....which carried to today.  I was just determined to just eat my stress away.  And then I was approached by a friend who wants to change their eating habits and start their journey towards health.  I felt like I was just slapped in the head with a HUGE wake up call.  I am succeeding and love telling everyone how I have done it but when I get stressed I let that dictate the rest of my life.  NOPE, not gonna let it.  

Yes tomorrow will be day 1 again, but day 1 with a different meaning than last weeks day 1.  I had a great talk with my mom, and the fact that I have gone from laying on the couch and sleeping all the time, to playing tag with my kids and constantly being on my feet, I have made amazing changes in my life.  I realized I cannot focus on the OOPS' I have but need to focus on the "where I want to be" and I will succeed with any challenge put before me.

So where do I want to be......well I am signed up for four Portland Park 5k races, I have signed up for the 5k Cosmic Run, 5k Slime Run, and Warrior Dash.  I also plan to sign up for the 5k foam fest and 8k run in the Race for the Cure, and my half marathon in September or October.  So 7 races so far and three more to go......I guess running my stress away, and reaching 145lbs!  Life cannot get much better than this, so for me NO MORE HIDING BEHIND THE STRESS.....I am going to confront it with my head held high and not let it dictate my future.  It was a huge part of my past and that is where it is going to stay.  Here's to a happy, healthy day 1!!!!!